Auditions
by Professor-Finnegan
Summary: Arwen and Aragorn (When they're king and queen) decide they need some court entertainment. Sorry if it doesn't comply with events in the book, but it's meant to be funny. :) Oh yeah, I forgot to say, I don't own any of the characters etc. Don't sue!


Auditions 

"Bring in the first candidate." Aragorn commanded one of his servants.

"First candidate for the auditions of Royal minstrel or general entertainment maker for…" The Royal announcer began to intone in a grand voice.

"Yes, just let them in, please." Aragorn said testily. He always got a headache listening to the Royal announcer.

Legolas entered the hall dragging some large instrument, covered in a sheet.

"Hello Legolas. I thought you'd gone to Valinor?" Arwen said in surprise.

"Didn't work out…" Legolas said, a little worn out from dragging the instrument along the floor. "Fell out with Glorfindel… Had to come back…"

"What are you going to do for us?" Aragorn asked him. Legolas pulled the sheet off with a flourish to reveal a drum kit. Aragorn looked at his wife with a worried expression. She patted his hand comfortingly.

"Now now dear, I'm sure he's improved since Rivendell…"

Legolas sat down and started bashing the drum kit to pieces with no recognisable rhythm.

"…Or not." Arwen shouted over the noise. This went on for some minutes, with Aragorn trying not to clamp his hands over his ears and Arwen trying to continue smiling. Legolas was bashing the drum kit so hard that one of the skins split, and the end of one of his drumsticks broke of. When he had finished he was panting and very red in the face. Aragorn forced a smile.

"I can see you've been practicing." He said. Legolas nodded excitedly.

"Well obviously we have to audition the other people before we can decide… so you can leave… now." Aragorn said, trying not to sound too eager.  
"We'll get back to you." Arwen lied. Legolas smiled and dragged his drum kit out of the hall. Aragorn buried his head in his hands.

"My ears are ringing." He said sadly.

"Don't worry dearest, I'm sure they won't all be as bad as that…" Arwen said without much conviction. Aragorn looked up at her.

"How COULD they be as bad as that?" he asked incredulously.

"Good point." Arwen sighed.

"Send in the next one." Aragorn told his servant.

"Second candidate for the auditions of Royal minstrel or…"

"I said let them in." Aragorn snapped, rubbing his temples. The doors were opened and Sam shuffled in.

"Hello Sam. What will you be doing for us?" Arwen asked.

Sam blushed and reached into the bag he had brought with him. He brought out a brightly coloured hat with bells on. "I was thinking I could be a jester." He said, putting the hat on his head.

"O…kay. Go ahead then." Aragorn told him. Sam cleared his throat.

"Okay… What's green and hairy and goes up and down?"

"I don't know, what IS green and hairy and goes up and down?"

"A gooseberry in a lift."

Aragorn stared blankly at him.

"I don't get it." He whispered to Arwen.

"Me either." She whispered back. They both gave a small fake laugh.

"Yes, um, very funny… yes. Any more?" Aragorn asked.

"Yes… What's big, red and prickly, has three eyes and eats rocks?"

Aragorn shrugged.

"A big, red, prickly, three-eyed rock eater."

Aragorn looked very confused.

"I have one more joke…" Sam said.

"Oh no." Aragorn muttered. Arwen hit his arm.

"Go ahead Sam." She said kindly. Aragorn rubbed his arm, scowling.

"Okay… What do you get if you jump off Caradhras?"

"I don't know, what DO you get if you jump off Caradhras?"

"Shorter!"

There was a ba-dum-ch sound.

"Legolas, stop that." Aragorn ordered.

"Sorry. Couldn't resist." Legolas said, poking his head round the door.

Arwen shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Look Sam, you're really very good, but I think Shire humour might be a little… um… subtle for us?" She ventured.

"Fair enough. Just thought I'd try anyway." Sam said, taking his hat off and putting it back in his bag. "Bye."

"Bye Sam." Aragorn said weakly, still trying to figure out what was funny about a big, red, prickly, three-eyed rock eater.

"Next." Arwen said, getting a bit bored.

"Third candidate for the auditions of Royal minstrel or… Oof!"

Aragorn had got up off his throne and whacked the Royal announcer on the back of the head with the hilt of his sword. Merry, seeing the announcer lying unconscious on the floor, let himself in. He had with him a very large bag that seemed to be wriggling.

"Right then Merry," Aragorn said, rubbing his hands and sitting back down. Now that the announcer had shut up life was good again. "What are you going to do?"

The bag gave a yell. Merry shouted, trying to drown it out.

"AAAH…I'M GOING TO DO…" The bag shut up. "…A ventriloquism act."

"Okay, go on then."

Merry opened the bag and pulled out a very annoyed looking Pippin. He took a stool from the bag and sat on it with Pippin on his knee.

"Right then, say hello Pippin." Merry said.

"Don't you ever put me in that thing again Merry." grumbled Pippin. "It's dark in there."

Arwen sighed.

"Merry, that's not a ventriloquism act. That's just you with Pippin on your lap."

"Yeah, good isn't it!" Merry said. Aragorn couldn't help giggling. Arwen rolled her eyes.

"Thank you, that's all we need. Goodbye." She said, smiling sweetly at them. Merry shrugged and tried to put Pippin back in the bag. Pippin kicked him and stomped out of the door. Merry rubbed his shin and looked up at Aragorn and Arwen.

"Sorry about him. Hormones."

And with that he left. Aragorn smiled at Arwen.

"Well, you can't blame him for trying. And let's face it, Pippin IS a bit of a dummy."

Arwen didn't find that amusing. Aragorn drew back from her steely gaze and told the announcer, who had now revived, to let in the next candidate. The announcer wisely decided to keep quiet and just let in the next applicant. It was Eowyn. Arwen frowned at her. Eowyn smiled sweetly.

"Hello my dear Lady Arwen, it's so nice to see you again… But what ARE you wearing?"

Arwen's nostrils flared and she started breathing heavily. Aragorn went very pale and cleared his throat. He could sense a catfight coming on… quite possibly with him trapped in the middle of it.

"W-what are you going to do for us Eowyn?" He asked shakily. She smiled dazzlingly at him.

"Well, I thought I would sing for you." She said, her eyes sparkling as she looked at Aragorn. He could feel Arwen's eyes watching him for any sign of being even SLIGHTLY interested in Eowyn.

"Okay, um… sing then…" He said, being careful of what he said. Eowyn smiled.  
"I was going to." She said, then she quite suddenly burst into song.

"FAME! I'm gonna live forever! I'm gonna learn how to fly HIGH!"

This went on for a couple more minutes. By the end Arwen was shaking with fury and Aragorn was trying not to run out of the room for safety's sake.

"Um… yes well that was very…" he faltered, seeing in Arwen's gaze she was just DARING him to say 'good'.

"…very… yes, well, it was… yes. Thank you, you can go now." Eowyn gave one last smile and skipped out of the door. Aragorn turned carefully to Arwen. He cleared his throat again.

"Um, well… she wasn't bad…"

Arwen looked at him with daggers in her eyes.

"Well, er, she was the best yet, I mean…"

Arwen's hands balled into fists. Aragorn started to sweat.

"Um, that is, what I meant to say was…"

"I do not want that… woman in my palace." Arwen said slowly.

"No, well, quite, er, neither do I…" Aragorn stammered. Arwen's eyes softened a little.

"Right, well, that's settled then." She said. "Bring in the next one." She told the Royal announcer.


End file.
